Crazy ADHD couple of days!

It's been a long time.  I've been Angry.  Actually, I've been going through the stages of grief that I was warned about when I was diagnosed and didn't really believe would happen to me.  I'll come back to all that, if I remember, but for now I want to talk about the last couple of days because if they don't sum up exactly what life with this condition is like, I don't know what will.

It's hard to get motivated about things that aren't very exciting, like shopping and housework.  They get done at the last minute usually, but yesterday I seemed to get that ability that other people have out of nowhere.  I was Energized.  I was Awake.  I was Ready To Work.

It didn't start like that.  I woke up earlier than normal and thought I'd quickly check my mails.  We need to leave the house at half past 8.  At 8.10am I realised that I was still 'checking my mails' and I jumped out of bed in a panic -the kind of panic that gets things done but I don't know how to generate by myself.  So we made it - all out of the house on time and without too much hassle.   I felt better than I have for a long time.

So, I made it back from the school run in time to pick up the dog and take him for a run around with a friend's dogs.  Had an enjoyable chat for an hour while the pooches charged around wearing themselves out but we were outside and I was standing up the whole time and the dogs were being pretty full on which kept my adrenaline levels up, I guess.  Whatever it was, I felt good when I left and I actually found myself jogging up the hill on the way home - briefly - then I felt like my lungs were going to explode as I limped the rest of the way home!

Got home, dropped off tired puppy and immediately dashed out to get the Christmas food shop in.  Met another friend.  Had lunch in ASDA and caught up with all our news then got a full trolley load of stuff because I had run out of just about everything big, like toilet roll and cat food and boxes of cereal.  It was busy and I started to feel like my brain was spinning in my head, but my dear friend took my shopping list (that my husband had written) from me and began checking things off it for me.  She coaxed me on and I got it done.  It was a bit scary at the till and my adrenaline levels were high again as I was worrying about the bill and getting everything into the car on time and getting to school on time to pick up the kids...

Got home in time to unpack with hubby and I told him that I'd massively overspent in the ASDA but when he checked the bill he was pleased to find that I'd actually done a very good job and, although I didn't get everything we needed, I DIDN'T get anything we didn't need.  So I dashed off to pick up the kids quite happy.

I forgot to mention that I also managed to get a beef stew into the slow cooker and make a veggie stew for my son among all this.  I was on fire!

I fed the kids, did some homework with them, made sure they were settled and happy and I got out the steam cleaner.  The tiles in the kitchen got some scrubbing.  Half way through, I switched off the cleaner, left it draped on the cooker and took the dog out for a walk, but otherwise I was reasonably focused on one activity at a time.

Eventually, I realised that I was actually feeling so worn out that I felt a bit nauseous.  I read my son his 3 bedtime stories, the other one snuggled in for a chat and they went to bed happy.  I thought I'd sit and check my emails then go to bed too.  This was at about 7.30pm.  By midnight I realised I was still on the computer, still doing nothing of any value on there and yet I felt unable to stop.  My mind was working overtime.

My husband dragged me off to bed.  We watched a House episode in bed, then another then he was muttering about being tired but I was completely wired.  We started doing the giant crossword together but by 2.30am I was still keeping him awake with crossword question after question.  I just couldn't slow down and didn't know how.  So he found a way and finally I fell asleep...

After that wonderful, adrenaline filled day I felt like I could do it all again.  I had plans to finish the steam cleaning, take the dog to the woods, get the rest of the grocery shop, drop the hire car at the garage and pick up my car (which broke down on Friday) clean the bathroom, make some steak pie filling and arrange a hair cut for my kids.

The day didn't go to plan.

Instead, I asked my husband to come with me on the school run because I felt so worn out I couldn't stand the thought of making conversation in the playground.  I sat in the car with the dog while he took the boys in.  I got home feeling like lead and I sat down on the sofa with the dog and my laptop and 3 hours disappeared.  I decided to phone my friend and as she mentioned it was her birthday today.  I had forgotten, of course, but I had bought her a gift the week before, so I managed to get out and visit her with her gift and had a cuppa and chat and felt energised enough to get out and about and do my work.  My husband agreed to look after the dog.  Off I went - shopping, garage, back to make the pie, school run, kids' hair cut...easy.  (No realisation that I had very little time to accomplish all this of course.)

I got down to the garage and parked their car on a side street.  At the bottom of the street is a hairdresser.  Kids need a hair cut.  I'll book them in.

An hour later, I came out with a new hair cut wondering what I was meant to be doing.  Kids' hair cuts not booked.  I remembered the car and went to the garage.  Shopping next, yes?  Nope.  No time.  Dashed back home.  Husband was  unimpressed by new do and more unimpressed by lack of carrier bags full of fruit and vegetables.  I can't even remember what I did next, but then I had to pick up the boys.  My job was to bring them home, cook their dinner, take the dog out, put them to bed, clean the bathroom and sort out some stuff for school.

What happened?  I invited my friend and her daughter to a play centre with my kids and off we drove to that. On the way I realised I'd need to call my husband to let him know why we weren't home.  I am apparently incapable of carrying a mobile without losing it immediately so I knew I'd need to ask to use the phone at the play centre.  No memory of this when I got there.  An hour later, my friend is half way through telling me something and I realise with horror that my husband doesn't know where we are and will be worried - our car had broken down on the motorway a few days ago and it was very frightening.  He didn't need to worry that there was a problem while the kids were with me.  I NEEDED to call him.  I think, I'll wait for my friend to finish her sentence and I'll go use the phone.

Another hour later I realise with horror that it's 6.30pm, I left the house at 3pm and my husband has no idea where we are.  I'd forgotten to tell him AGAIN.  I manage to tell my friend the problem this time and she agrees it's time to go.  She doesn't have a mobile and there isn't a public phone.  Off we go.

I spend the journey worried that my husband is upset and scared at home, maybe even called the police.  We got to the door.  He merrily waved out of the window at us, dog wagging his tail so fiercely that the Christmas tree nearly took a dive.

When I got in, I asked him if he was okay.  I get a blank look.  I told him I was sorry for forgetting to tell  him we were going out and he laughed.  He had worked out what had happened because, apparently, I'd said just before I left to pick up the boys,

"I was thinking I might take the boys to...oh have you noticed that cat flap is hanging off again..."  I had half told him, got distracted, began another conversation and hadn't even remembered that I'd half told him.

The 'come down' from my adrenaline filled productive day has been really hard.  I'm exhausted today.  I feel better for all the lovely conversations I've had with my dear friends - out with the dogs, in the supermarket, over a cuppa and in the play centre.  All one to one, I notice, which is exactly what I can manage and no more.  And my lovely husband has taken it all in his stride like he always does.

And so, I'm going to try to watch a DVD without minimizing it and surfing the net at the same time tonight as I NEED to get some sleep tonight.  Tomorrow I have to do all the things I didn't get done today!  So then, back to usual then it would seem!

I should add that my husband had to put away the steam cleaner, which I'd left in the middle of a chaotic pile of dishes that I hadn't noticed while I was steam cleaning the wall behind them.

Happy holidays everyone.  Hope you've made it this far.  Yet another confused, rambling offering from me!

People's reactions.

My 'no unspoken thought' personality makes it impossible to keep the ADHD to myself and so I have embraced the label and decided to tell people as and when the mood takes me.

Once or twice, I've felt like telling strangers, like when I tried my pin number on my cash card 3 times at the Co-op till and it locked me out.  I casually remarked, 'Sorry.  I've got ADHD.  I'll be back with another card in a few minutes', and off I went.  I didn't look up to see what his reaction was, but when I returned, he didn't bat an eyelid when I reappeared with cash and dropped the change all over the counter.

I've posted my blog on facebook.  That's an interesting one.  It's been completely ignored, as far as I know, as no-one's remarked on it.  Maybe it's just no surprise to anyone!  Maybe I've not made it explicit that it's my blog, not someone else's that I'm interested in. 

Telling people I know face to face has been a lot of fun though.  I told my mentor at one of my volunteer jobs.  She laughed openly, asked 'At YOUR age?!' and then asked me some sensible questions about how I was feeling about it all and what it meant for me.  She was great.

I told 3 of the students I'm working with on my MA in special needs education.  One said, 'That explains a lot!', one said, 'Well now, that's not a surprise, is it!' and one said, 'Congratulations!'  All of them were very supportive.

I told the people I work for.  They have organised access for me on a system I don't normally use, so I can store my stuff on it, so I don't have to spend hours looking for where I saved it on my own computer!  (I work from home.)

I told my neighbour.  She seemed a bit baffled but was none the less cheery and optimistic about it.

I told my son's new teachers.  He has some special needs too - short term memory and visual attention deficit.  After explaining the kinds of things that help him, I remarked that I may not always remember to make sure he's brought in his homework/water bottle/reading book, and told them why.  One laughed, then realised I was serious.  Then thought for a minute and mused that maybe she's got it too!

My favourite one was a friend whose son also has ADHD.  His comments about his own experiences, his unsurprised reaction and his desire to get together to swap coping strategies really made a difference.  We've spent a fair bit of time together, as families, having dinner, going out walking etc, and neither of us know what was going on for the other.  

Aside from these more fun moments, it's actually been a very difficult week.  Our friends' son was involved in a serious accident.  I don't want to talk about this, as it's obviously personal to them and not my place to tell the story publicly, but needless to say it was very worrying for all of us, devastating for our friends and certainly put my 'coming to terms with my ADHD' problems into perspective.  Although this is quite big news, it's not a negative thing.  I know about it and that gives me power to find ways to control it.  While we were waiting to see how our friends' son would heal, we had no power over anything.  Being helpless is a frightening feeling.  However, he is making genuinely remarkable progress.  He is having surgery next week and is expected to make a full recovery.  

What I did realise though, was that I don't always know whether I'm just being 'ADHD' or whether my clumsy/confused behaviour is brought on by stress, just like anyone else.  In the hospital restaurant I stood, with what I realise was a bewildered look on my face, and tried to order my dinner.  I simply couldn't make a choice between chicken casserole and pasta.  The woman was extremely sympathetic when I said, 'I have no idea.  Do you think maybe you could just pick something warm for me to eat, please?'  I realised when I sat down that I probably looked like a worried mother and I felt really guilty for giving that impression - like she'd wasted her sympathy on me.  

Later though, I realise that it wasn't about the ADHD.  I'm usually able to choose a meal by myself!  I was worried sick and my brain just froze.  With a strong, healing child resting well after his ordeal, I'm now able to wonder why the ADHD symptoms can be so similar to the symptoms of such high levels of stress/worry.

Choosing dinner wasn't the only time I struggled in the hospital.  I got lost a LOT.  Once, I even got in the lift, got back out, walked round, got in the lift again and ended up back where I started without realising what I'd done until I found myself outside the ward I'd started at.  Staff kept stopping to ask if I was lost (the expression on my face?!) and one must have recognised me from the day before and asked, 'Are you lost AGAIN?!'  She showed me where to go very kindly, but she looked amused by my incompetence.

Amazingly, despite all the stress of everything that was happening, my friend's husband didn't miss a beat when I launched into a completely random, non-linear full speed ADHD conversation about stuff that needed to be sorted out - the IKEA delivery was unfortunately due to arrive in the middle of all this and we've been helping out where we can.  It would have been perfectly reasonable for him to turn to my husband and sort everything out in a calmer way but he just somehow unpicked what needed to be sorted out from the detritus of my brain-dump and we got it sorted.  He's even offered to give me some ideas on how to manage my symptoms a bit, as he has experience of this through his job.  

I've never doubted for a minute how lucky I am to have a family and friends round me who let me be myself and never make me feel bad about who I am.  That's probably the one thing that will make the biggest difference as I'm sorting all this out.

So, ADHD is embarrassing.

I realise that the ADHD has probably been responsible for a large portion of the embarrassing situations I've found myself in throughout my life.  So I thought it would be fun to share them.

I once sat peering out of my tent door when on holiday with friends enthusing about how good Colgate toothpaste is.  I was holding up the tube to show everyone at the time.  The others began to laugh.

I was holding up my tube of contraceptive jelly.

I once went to work in odd shoes.

I speak before I think.  At a very smart restaurant, my friend asked for information about the steaks and was told by the waitress that the butchers were very good and she was sure they were well hung.  I asked, 'And what about the steaks?'

I once fell asleep in an exam.  I woke with a noisy shout when I was disturbed by an invigilator.

I set a T shirt on fire by throwing it over my shoulder onto a lamp with a very hot bulb and I didn't notice where it had landed.

I once set my bed on fire and didn't notice (though to be fair, I wasn't alone and was quite busy at the time.)

I once burnt myself by walking into a door when I was carrying a tray of muffins straight from the oven.

I once set my hair on fire when I was climbing into a tent with a candle.  I didn't realise the burning sound and smell was coming from me and I frantically tried to put out the fire by bashing the side of the tent with my free hand.  No-one I was with came out of their tents to check if I was okay.  My gasps and panicked mutterings and 'Oh NO!'s were so frequent that no-one even noticed.

When I was 13, I forgot that I needed to wait for the school bus to stop before I got off.  I bounced alongside the bus until both the bus and I came to a halt.  Fortunately, only my ego was bruised, as all the children in my class had seen me do this, glasses bouncing on my nose as it happened.  And to add insult to injury, a dear old lady got up off the park bench she was sitting on to let me sit down.

How does someone FORGET to wait for a bus to stop before getting off?!

I turned up at the hospital with a suitcase ready for my planned surgery - a week early.

I can look back on these and smile, and of course some of them are quite funny (to me at least) but there is a slightly more serious point (apart from wondering about the excess of fire incidents)  I've always used self deprecating humour in social situations.  I actually don't like doing it, but I've done so many stupid things that it's an easy fix in a situation where I feel like I don't know what to say.  I'm not overly comfortable with people knowing everything about me.  I like privacy, but most people don't know that about me because I blurt out whatever comes to mind and it's usually something embarrassing about myself.  So people end up knowing far more about me than I'd really like and I end up knowing far less about them than I'd really like because I can't remember what they've said or I wasn't listening properly or, you know, I spotted a squirrel when they were talking or something...

There's no real point to this entry, except that maybe I'd like to try to use self deprecating humour less or even  do fewer embarrassing things in the first place!

Now there's an ambition!  That's more of a challenge than learning to drive I suspect (and that took 8 years!)

'Coming out'

I went to Ikea with a friend yesterday.  It was very pleasant at first - good company and neither of us cared if we were going the wrong way or stopping to look at random things we didn't need, but as the day wore on, my brain seemed to frazzle - whose doesn't in there?!

As we were sitting having lunch, I kept forgetting what we were talking about and I was with someone who knows and cares and doesn't give a hoot if I lose track.  So I could confidently say, 'I've forgotten/I'm lost/Where were we' and not worry.

The scene in Ellen where she shouts, 'I'm gay!' sprung to mind and I had an overwhelming urge to stand up and shout, 'I've got ADHD!'  I contained myself, but only because I got a fit of the giggles.

We actually left without buying what we needed because we lost track of time and didn't get to the checkouts in time to do all the sorting out at the end, lugging boxes off shelves and arranging delivery.  So we have to boldly go again later in the week.  Ho-hum.

Today, I decided to follow my desire to just not bother hiding this part of me and I found myself telling a complete stranger.  It worked out okay.  I was at the desk in a play centre with my son and the cashier remarked that he was 'full of bounce'.  I laughed and said it wasn't surprising as I have ADHD.   It was a really positive moment as she looked at me with empathy then remarked that she has OCD.  Apart from the acronym overload, it was a moment of understanding, compassion and solidarity and I'm really glad I told her.

Of course later, as I tried to pay the bill, she had to call me back to give me my cash card as I'd walked away without it.  The spark of 'fitting in' in the world that I'd felt was extinguished, but what I had in its place was a smile and a nod from someone who understood.

Onwards and upwards!

Learning what doesn't work. Maybe what does work will come next?

Because of some previous problems with tachycardia and irregular ECG readings, I have to wait for an ECG and some more tests before I can be prescribed medication for the ADHD.  So, having read that lots of people with ADHD self-medicate with caffeine, I thought I'd give that a go!

A cup of coffee in the morning does very little to get me kick started so I thought I'd try red bull.  I assumed it would have a little more caffeine than an instant coffee.  I felt really good and was able to do some tidying up, but I still needed help with deciding what to do first, and when it wore off, I felt cranky and had a headache.

The same thing happened today - in that I was cranky and had a headache, but didn't feel any effects other than that.  Except that I also have heartburn.  I assume the first day was just a placebo effect - I was excited to try something fairly new (in that I was deliberately trying to self medicate with caffeine and I've never had red bull before.)

Having a placebo effect, if that's what it was, was encouraging at first.  Maybe it meant that if I can trick myself into thinking I can do it, I'll do better.  But the energy I felt isn't a new thing.  It happens whenever I'm hitting a deadline.  And I still didn't find it easy to work out how to do it, as I realised afterwards.  I still had to have the steps broken down for me.

So maybe, for now, I should be providing myself with convincing deadlines.  Maybe that will give me the push I need to focus and achieve what I want to do.  But I don't know how to do that either as I will know it's not a real deadline and it won't give me that adrenaline rush/panic that enables me to concentrate.

This you tube video explains how that works for me.  I hope the link works.

I realise now that the anxiety was serving a purpose.  It was keeping me functioning (almost) normally.  Without the 'must try harder' anxiety I've carried most of my life, I'm actually even more clumsy, scatty and forgetful.  I never would have believed that was possible.  I've walked in front of 2 cars now and pulled out of a junction without seeing an oncoming car.  I never make mistakes like that when I'm driving and I haven't had trouble crossing roads since my early 20s (when I was hit by a car.)

So, I'm trying to work out whether to let the anxiety sneak back in as I might be safer in the short term, or whether to get myself some sort of watch that buzzes every 5 minutes so I can remind myself to check whether I'm really' there' when I'm doing something!

Then again, what are the chances of me remembering to put it on?  And how long till I lose it or break it?  :)

Well, it's official!

I was diagnosed with ADHD yesterday.  I'm 39.  

I drove home from the appointment, late because it was an evening appointment and because I inevitably got lost on the way, I found myself quite relaxed by the darkness around me with the little trail of cats' eyes on the road, lighting the way.  It made me feel optimistic - like I was still in the dark but there was a path I could take that would make things clearer.  I felt good, strong, confident that now I 'know' everything would be okay.

Then I found myself behind a driver that seemed to think 30mph was the best way to drive on a stretch of road with no passing spaces and I began to feel differently.  I remembered that my odd/add mind has always got in-front of me, stopping me doing what I want to do and I felt that maybe nothing will change after all, except that I have a name for it now.  I remembered the frustration as I sat behind the pointlessly slow little car and I forgot my momentary optimism.

The journey was a long one - about 3 hours - because there are precious few doctors here who are willing to diagnose ADHD in adults and I had to be referred by my GP to someone 100 miles away (And I naturally got lost as usual).  I went through every emotion imaginable during that time - relief that I finally know, anger for the wasted years, regret that I didn't stand up for myself more when I was called lazy or contrary, hope for a future of more understanding and acceptance, fear that I would still not be understood...I got home feeling exhausted and confused but had the comforting arms of a husband who is proud of me to come home to and that made it all okay.

My efforts to 'stop just trying harder' have really worked.  The impact on my life has been remarkable.  I'm not really getting any more done, nor am I getting things done in a more productive less chaotic way, but I am accepting myself and my chaos more easily now and that means I have more energy and I'm happier.  I don't need to fret over what I want to do compared to what is actually getting done - it never has made me get it done better or faster or 'more'.  It's just made me feel bad and I don't need it any more.  If I get nothing else out of this diagnosis I have this - It is Not My Fault.

That'll do for now.

Is this what relaxing is like?!

Once, when I was in Greece and it was 42 degrees, I realised that I didn't have a 'noisy head'.  There was a quiet calm in my brain where constant thought usually is.  It never occurred to me to ask any of the people I was with if they were having a similar reaction to the heat.  I might have found out then that most people don't have a noisy head.

My goal this week was to stop 'trying harder'.  I was going to do what I could and accept that some things are hard for me and just see what happens.  Already I'm noticing a change.  My head is still noisy but I'm not fretting over everything.  One of the things I've been trying really hard to do for the last few years is worry less.  If I 'just tried harder' to stop worrying, I could maybe will myself not to do it.  Unsurprisingly that didn't work.  But oddly, just accepting myself in the light of a possible ADHD diagnosis has had the effect I've been looking for.  I am not worrying.  I'm not getting in a tangle about any of the jobs I've not done, and didn't do when I WAS in a tangle anyway, so I've lost nothing in terms of productivity and seem to have gained a little - dare I say it - happiness?!

The housework still stared gloomily at me - undone and taunting me.  And I still didn't do it.  Instead of not doing it and feeling upset about not doing it and trying to will myself into activity, I just accepted that it wasn't done and that it would get done eventually.  Then we were having people over and I really, really wanted to do it.  So I set to it.  I spent a few minutes picking up, then I swept the floor.  Then I forgot what I was doing and I began reading.  An hour later I wandered through to the kitchen to get myself a drink and saw a little pile of sweepings and the broom next to the fridge.  I thought, 'I should have done that.  I'm running late.  I'll just get the dustpan.'  I got my drink and walked past the little pile, totally forgetting it was there.  I sat down to drink the juice and check my emails.  Another hour passed.  My husband distracted me and I realised that I'd neither cleaned up the sweepings nor finished my juice, which I'd forgotten about.

Time was ticking on and our guests would be arriving in two hours.  At this point, I'd usually be a nervous wreck about not getting stuff done but I was calm. " I'm going to be as ready as I can be and that will be good enough."  I wandered upstairs to clean the bathroom.

I can do the bathroom.  There are no distractions in there.  I can start in one corner and work clockwise and nothing changes in that routine.  It gets done.  And so, I did it and felt good about it and wandered upstairs and started reading another book.

Pretty soon I realised I had three quarters of an hour to get everything done and I went into panic mode.  I wonder if other people do this too.  Suddenly, instead of my sluggish 'I really should be doing this' feeling, I was energized.  Quick!  Move that, put that away, wipe the hob, get rid of that smudge, clean under the cat bowls...  The work wasn't getting done fast - it was getting done at warp speed.  When I'm hitting a deadline, I can spring into fearsome action.  If my husband is working with me I feel like his movement has slowed right down and he's going painfully slowly.  I've been wound up like a clockwork toy, whirring faster and faster, irritated by his apparent sluggishness.

I was alone though this time and the work got done with 5 minutes to spare.  Then I realised I had to have a shower and nip to the shop.  I was half an hour late to my own party, but I was relaxed, happy and it was a great night.

Deciding not to 'just try harder' didn't stop the work getting done, didn't make the work get done better or faster - in fact it didn't change that at all.  It did change how I feel about my chaotic approach to getting stuff done though and that helps a lot.

I woke up this morning, a few days later, with an odd feeling.  I scrabbled around in my head for a while trying to work out what was different.  And there it was - not a new feeling as such, just an absence of something.  I wasn't worried about getting through the day, making mistakes, forgetting things, losing things, breaking things.  I just woke up feeling like I'd had enough sleep and I was ready to get out of bed and face the day.

Is this what I've been missing?  I'm looking forward to it happening again that's for sure!

As for the little pile of sweepings?  I never did move them.  I can only assume my lovely husband noticed and quietly dealt with it as he so often does.