Once or twice, I've felt like telling strangers, like when I tried my pin number on my cash card 3 times at the Co-op till and it locked me out. I casually remarked, 'Sorry. I've got ADHD. I'll be back with another card in a few minutes', and off I went. I didn't look up to see what his reaction was, but when I returned, he didn't bat an eyelid when I reappeared with cash and dropped the change all over the counter.
I've posted my blog on facebook. That's an interesting one. It's been completely ignored, as far as I know, as no-one's remarked on it. Maybe it's just no surprise to anyone! Maybe I've not made it explicit that it's my blog, not someone else's that I'm interested in.
Telling people I know face to face has been a lot of fun though. I told my mentor at one of my volunteer jobs. She laughed openly, asked 'At YOUR age?!' and then asked me some sensible questions about how I was feeling about it all and what it meant for me. She was great.
I told 3 of the students I'm working with on my MA in special needs education. One said, 'That explains a lot!', one said, 'Well now, that's not a surprise, is it!' and one said, 'Congratulations!' All of them were very supportive.
I told the people I work for. They have organised access for me on a system I don't normally use, so I can store my stuff on it, so I don't have to spend hours looking for where I saved it on my own computer! (I work from home.)
I told my neighbour. She seemed a bit baffled but was none the less cheery and optimistic about it.
I told my son's new teachers. He has some special needs too - short term memory and visual attention deficit. After explaining the kinds of things that help him, I remarked that I may not always remember to make sure he's brought in his homework/water bottle/reading book, and told them why. One laughed, then realised I was serious. Then thought for a minute and mused that maybe she's got it too!
My favourite one was a friend whose son also has ADHD. His comments about his own experiences, his unsurprised reaction and his desire to get together to swap coping strategies really made a difference. We've spent a fair bit of time together, as families, having dinner, going out walking etc, and neither of us know what was going on for the other.
Aside from these more fun moments, it's actually been a very difficult week. Our friends' son was involved in a serious accident. I don't want to talk about this, as it's obviously personal to them and not my place to tell the story publicly, but needless to say it was very worrying for all of us, devastating for our friends and certainly put my 'coming to terms with my ADHD' problems into perspective. Although this is quite big news, it's not a negative thing. I know about it and that gives me power to find ways to control it. While we were waiting to see how our friends' son would heal, we had no power over anything. Being helpless is a frightening feeling. However, he is making genuinely remarkable progress. He is having surgery next week and is expected to make a full recovery.
What I did realise though, was that I don't always know whether I'm just being 'ADHD' or whether my clumsy/confused behaviour is brought on by stress, just like anyone else. In the hospital restaurant I stood, with what I realise was a bewildered look on my face, and tried to order my dinner. I simply couldn't make a choice between chicken casserole and pasta. The woman was extremely sympathetic when I said, 'I have no idea. Do you think maybe you could just pick something warm for me to eat, please?' I realised when I sat down that I probably looked like a worried mother and I felt really guilty for giving that impression - like she'd wasted her sympathy on me.
Later though, I realise that it wasn't about the ADHD. I'm usually able to choose a meal by myself! I was worried sick and my brain just froze. With a strong, healing child resting well after his ordeal, I'm now able to wonder why the ADHD symptoms can be so similar to the symptoms of such high levels of stress/worry.
Choosing dinner wasn't the only time I struggled in the hospital. I got lost a LOT. Once, I even got in the lift, got back out, walked round, got in the lift again and ended up back where I started without realising what I'd done until I found myself outside the ward I'd started at. Staff kept stopping to ask if I was lost (the expression on my face?!) and one must have recognised me from the day before and asked, 'Are you lost AGAIN?!' She showed me where to go very kindly, but she looked amused by my incompetence.
Amazingly, despite all the stress of everything that was happening, my friend's husband didn't miss a beat when I launched into a completely random, non-linear full speed ADHD conversation about stuff that needed to be sorted out - the IKEA delivery was unfortunately due to arrive in the middle of all this and we've been helping out where we can. It would have been perfectly reasonable for him to turn to my husband and sort everything out in a calmer way but he just somehow unpicked what needed to be sorted out from the detritus of my brain-dump and we got it sorted. He's even offered to give me some ideas on how to manage my symptoms a bit, as he has experience of this through his job.
I've never doubted for a minute how lucky I am to have a family and friends round me who let me be myself and never make me feel bad about who I am. That's probably the one thing that will make the biggest difference as I'm sorting all this out.
No comments:
Post a Comment