Learning what doesn't work. Maybe what does work will come next?

Because of some previous problems with tachycardia and irregular ECG readings, I have to wait for an ECG and some more tests before I can be prescribed medication for the ADHD.  So, having read that lots of people with ADHD self-medicate with caffeine, I thought I'd give that a go!

A cup of coffee in the morning does very little to get me kick started so I thought I'd try red bull.  I assumed it would have a little more caffeine than an instant coffee.  I felt really good and was able to do some tidying up, but I still needed help with deciding what to do first, and when it wore off, I felt cranky and had a headache.

The same thing happened today - in that I was cranky and had a headache, but didn't feel any effects other than that.  Except that I also have heartburn.  I assume the first day was just a placebo effect - I was excited to try something fairly new (in that I was deliberately trying to self medicate with caffeine and I've never had red bull before.)

Having a placebo effect, if that's what it was, was encouraging at first.  Maybe it meant that if I can trick myself into thinking I can do it, I'll do better.  But the energy I felt isn't a new thing.  It happens whenever I'm hitting a deadline.  And I still didn't find it easy to work out how to do it, as I realised afterwards.  I still had to have the steps broken down for me.

So maybe, for now, I should be providing myself with convincing deadlines.  Maybe that will give me the push I need to focus and achieve what I want to do.  But I don't know how to do that either as I will know it's not a real deadline and it won't give me that adrenaline rush/panic that enables me to concentrate.

This you tube video explains how that works for me.  I hope the link works.

I realise now that the anxiety was serving a purpose.  It was keeping me functioning (almost) normally.  Without the 'must try harder' anxiety I've carried most of my life, I'm actually even more clumsy, scatty and forgetful.  I never would have believed that was possible.  I've walked in front of 2 cars now and pulled out of a junction without seeing an oncoming car.  I never make mistakes like that when I'm driving and I haven't had trouble crossing roads since my early 20s (when I was hit by a car.)

So, I'm trying to work out whether to let the anxiety sneak back in as I might be safer in the short term, or whether to get myself some sort of watch that buzzes every 5 minutes so I can remind myself to check whether I'm really' there' when I'm doing something!

Then again, what are the chances of me remembering to put it on?  And how long till I lose it or break it?  :)

Well, it's official!

I was diagnosed with ADHD yesterday.  I'm 39.  

I drove home from the appointment, late because it was an evening appointment and because I inevitably got lost on the way, I found myself quite relaxed by the darkness around me with the little trail of cats' eyes on the road, lighting the way.  It made me feel optimistic - like I was still in the dark but there was a path I could take that would make things clearer.  I felt good, strong, confident that now I 'know' everything would be okay.

Then I found myself behind a driver that seemed to think 30mph was the best way to drive on a stretch of road with no passing spaces and I began to feel differently.  I remembered that my odd/add mind has always got in-front of me, stopping me doing what I want to do and I felt that maybe nothing will change after all, except that I have a name for it now.  I remembered the frustration as I sat behind the pointlessly slow little car and I forgot my momentary optimism.

The journey was a long one - about 3 hours - because there are precious few doctors here who are willing to diagnose ADHD in adults and I had to be referred by my GP to someone 100 miles away (And I naturally got lost as usual).  I went through every emotion imaginable during that time - relief that I finally know, anger for the wasted years, regret that I didn't stand up for myself more when I was called lazy or contrary, hope for a future of more understanding and acceptance, fear that I would still not be understood...I got home feeling exhausted and confused but had the comforting arms of a husband who is proud of me to come home to and that made it all okay.

My efforts to 'stop just trying harder' have really worked.  The impact on my life has been remarkable.  I'm not really getting any more done, nor am I getting things done in a more productive less chaotic way, but I am accepting myself and my chaos more easily now and that means I have more energy and I'm happier.  I don't need to fret over what I want to do compared to what is actually getting done - it never has made me get it done better or faster or 'more'.  It's just made me feel bad and I don't need it any more.  If I get nothing else out of this diagnosis I have this - It is Not My Fault.

That'll do for now.

Is this what relaxing is like?!

Once, when I was in Greece and it was 42 degrees, I realised that I didn't have a 'noisy head'.  There was a quiet calm in my brain where constant thought usually is.  It never occurred to me to ask any of the people I was with if they were having a similar reaction to the heat.  I might have found out then that most people don't have a noisy head.

My goal this week was to stop 'trying harder'.  I was going to do what I could and accept that some things are hard for me and just see what happens.  Already I'm noticing a change.  My head is still noisy but I'm not fretting over everything.  One of the things I've been trying really hard to do for the last few years is worry less.  If I 'just tried harder' to stop worrying, I could maybe will myself not to do it.  Unsurprisingly that didn't work.  But oddly, just accepting myself in the light of a possible ADHD diagnosis has had the effect I've been looking for.  I am not worrying.  I'm not getting in a tangle about any of the jobs I've not done, and didn't do when I WAS in a tangle anyway, so I've lost nothing in terms of productivity and seem to have gained a little - dare I say it - happiness?!

The housework still stared gloomily at me - undone and taunting me.  And I still didn't do it.  Instead of not doing it and feeling upset about not doing it and trying to will myself into activity, I just accepted that it wasn't done and that it would get done eventually.  Then we were having people over and I really, really wanted to do it.  So I set to it.  I spent a few minutes picking up, then I swept the floor.  Then I forgot what I was doing and I began reading.  An hour later I wandered through to the kitchen to get myself a drink and saw a little pile of sweepings and the broom next to the fridge.  I thought, 'I should have done that.  I'm running late.  I'll just get the dustpan.'  I got my drink and walked past the little pile, totally forgetting it was there.  I sat down to drink the juice and check my emails.  Another hour passed.  My husband distracted me and I realised that I'd neither cleaned up the sweepings nor finished my juice, which I'd forgotten about.

Time was ticking on and our guests would be arriving in two hours.  At this point, I'd usually be a nervous wreck about not getting stuff done but I was calm. " I'm going to be as ready as I can be and that will be good enough."  I wandered upstairs to clean the bathroom.

I can do the bathroom.  There are no distractions in there.  I can start in one corner and work clockwise and nothing changes in that routine.  It gets done.  And so, I did it and felt good about it and wandered upstairs and started reading another book.

Pretty soon I realised I had three quarters of an hour to get everything done and I went into panic mode.  I wonder if other people do this too.  Suddenly, instead of my sluggish 'I really should be doing this' feeling, I was energized.  Quick!  Move that, put that away, wipe the hob, get rid of that smudge, clean under the cat bowls...  The work wasn't getting done fast - it was getting done at warp speed.  When I'm hitting a deadline, I can spring into fearsome action.  If my husband is working with me I feel like his movement has slowed right down and he's going painfully slowly.  I've been wound up like a clockwork toy, whirring faster and faster, irritated by his apparent sluggishness.

I was alone though this time and the work got done with 5 minutes to spare.  Then I realised I had to have a shower and nip to the shop.  I was half an hour late to my own party, but I was relaxed, happy and it was a great night.

Deciding not to 'just try harder' didn't stop the work getting done, didn't make the work get done better or faster - in fact it didn't change that at all.  It did change how I feel about my chaotic approach to getting stuff done though and that helps a lot.

I woke up this morning, a few days later, with an odd feeling.  I scrabbled around in my head for a while trying to work out what was different.  And there it was - not a new feeling as such, just an absence of something.  I wasn't worried about getting through the day, making mistakes, forgetting things, losing things, breaking things.  I just woke up feeling like I'd had enough sleep and I was ready to get out of bed and face the day.

Is this what I've been missing?  I'm looking forward to it happening again that's for sure!

As for the little pile of sweepings?  I never did move them.  I can only assume my lovely husband noticed and quietly dealt with it as he so often does.  

It's not difficult for me to get started on a project. I'm definitely a 'starter'. I can do that. I can have the ideas, I can get really enthusiastic about it and I can do whatever research is necessary. Do I have the ability to actually stick to it and do what I'm hoping to do here? Time will tell. I hope so. I've decided to write an ADHD blog as I'm embarking on the journey that I'm hoping will change my life.

First hurdle encountered already - just as I tried to save the above paragraph, I found a file, saved about a month ago, with the same name - an attempt to write a blog, or at least start one, but if I did indeed get as far as typing it, I haven't saved it, so it's empty. Still, this one is at least 2 paragraphs long so I'm ahead of the game now, right?

It was last night's dream that made me decide to document this journey and here it is.

I was using a heat gun on a disk of metal. The disk was small but I couldn't see the whole thing at any one time. It was full of holes and I was fixing them. The holes were all the same size and equal distance apart. I was aware that other people could see that, but I couldn't. I was filling them with a liquid that became a tough, clear solid when it was heated. There were lots of holes and I kept spilling the liquid on parts of the disk that were fine, but I was determined and I kept going. I kept moving the heat gun before the liquid had properly hardened. Although I wasn't getting it done 'properly', slowly but surely the holes began to fill and harden and the disk was being repaired. Before I woke, I was aware that the disk was going to be okay.

Since my GP suggested I may have adult ADHD, a month ago, I've been reading about it as much as I can and I've realised three things - I'm pretty sure she's right. I've been like this since I was in infant school. I am relieved to have finally found a name for my problems.

I know I won't 'get better'. There's no cure. But there are things that can be done to help, and I'm hoping I will be able to access them in time. What is really making the significant difference though is that I, for now at least, have stopped blaming myself, calling myself lazy, agreeing with the people who said if I just tried harder I could do it. I made a decision - just for this week, I am going to be ME. The me who got stifled by the 'try harder' mentality that has never worked for me is making her way back out and it's full of possibility and hope.

No I probably won't be able to do it if I 'just try harder', because the 'just trying harder' that I've been doing for almost 40 years has caused untold stress to my body and mind and I'm exhausted. I don't want to do it any more. I want to try another way. Trying harder never made me able to catch a ball. It never made me able to remember where I parked my car or left my keys or not to sit on my glasses again. It maybe helped me organise my stuff but it never helped me keep it that way for longer than a day.

And so here I am. I am admitting it when I've lost the train of the conversation. I'm getting up and walking around when I feel like I need to, I'm unapologetic about reading and watching a film at the same time. And I'm stopping to look at the shiny. I'm having a GREAT week!