Once, when I was in Greece and it was 42 degrees, I realised that I didn't have a 'noisy head'. There was a quiet calm in my brain where constant thought usually is. It never occurred to me to ask any of the people I was with if they were having a similar reaction to the heat. I might have found out then that most people don't have a noisy head.
My goal this week was to stop 'trying harder'. I was going to do what I could and accept that some things are hard for me and just see what happens. Already I'm noticing a change. My head is still noisy but I'm not fretting over everything. One of the things I've been trying really hard to do for the last few years is worry less. If I 'just tried harder' to stop worrying, I could maybe will myself not to do it. Unsurprisingly that didn't work. But oddly, just accepting myself in the light of a possible ADHD diagnosis has had the effect I've been looking for. I am not worrying. I'm not getting in a tangle about any of the jobs I've not done, and didn't do when I WAS in a tangle anyway, so I've lost nothing in terms of productivity and seem to have gained a little - dare I say it - happiness?!
The housework still stared gloomily at me - undone and taunting me. And I still didn't do it. Instead of not doing it and feeling upset about not doing it and trying to will myself into activity, I just accepted that it wasn't done and that it would get done eventually. Then we were having people over and I really, really wanted to do it. So I set to it. I spent a few minutes picking up, then I swept the floor. Then I forgot what I was doing and I began reading. An hour later I wandered through to the kitchen to get myself a drink and saw a little pile of sweepings and the broom next to the fridge. I thought, 'I should have done that. I'm running late. I'll just get the dustpan.' I got my drink and walked past the little pile, totally forgetting it was there. I sat down to drink the juice and check my emails. Another hour passed. My husband distracted me and I realised that I'd neither cleaned up the sweepings nor finished my juice, which I'd forgotten about.
Time was ticking on and our guests would be arriving in two hours. At this point, I'd usually be a nervous wreck about not getting stuff done but I was calm. " I'm going to be as ready as I can be and that will be good enough." I wandered upstairs to clean the bathroom.
I can do the bathroom. There are no distractions in there. I can start in one corner and work clockwise and nothing changes in that routine. It gets done. And so, I did it and felt good about it and wandered upstairs and started reading another book.
Pretty soon I realised I had three quarters of an hour to get everything done and I went into panic mode. I wonder if other people do this too. Suddenly, instead of my sluggish 'I really should be doing this' feeling, I was energized. Quick! Move that, put that away, wipe the hob, get rid of that smudge, clean under the cat bowls... The work wasn't getting done fast - it was getting done at warp speed. When I'm hitting a deadline, I can spring into fearsome action. If my husband is working with me I feel like his movement has slowed right down and he's going painfully slowly. I've been wound up like a clockwork toy, whirring faster and faster, irritated by his apparent sluggishness.
I was alone though this time and the work got done with 5 minutes to spare. Then I realised I had to have a shower and nip to the shop. I was half an hour late to my own party, but I was relaxed, happy and it was a great night.
Deciding not to 'just try harder' didn't stop the work getting done, didn't make the work get done better or faster - in fact it didn't change that at all. It did change how I feel about my chaotic approach to getting stuff done though and that helps a lot.
I woke up this morning, a few days later, with an odd feeling. I scrabbled around in my head for a while trying to work out what was different. And there it was - not a new feeling as such, just an absence of something. I wasn't worried about getting through the day, making mistakes, forgetting things, losing things, breaking things. I just woke up feeling like I'd had enough sleep and I was ready to get out of bed and face the day.
Is this what I've been missing? I'm looking forward to it happening again that's for sure!
As for the little pile of sweepings? I never did move them. I can only assume my lovely husband noticed and quietly dealt with it as he so often does.
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