Well, it's official!

I was diagnosed with ADHD yesterday.  I'm 39.  

I drove home from the appointment, late because it was an evening appointment and because I inevitably got lost on the way, I found myself quite relaxed by the darkness around me with the little trail of cats' eyes on the road, lighting the way.  It made me feel optimistic - like I was still in the dark but there was a path I could take that would make things clearer.  I felt good, strong, confident that now I 'know' everything would be okay.

Then I found myself behind a driver that seemed to think 30mph was the best way to drive on a stretch of road with no passing spaces and I began to feel differently.  I remembered that my odd/add mind has always got in-front of me, stopping me doing what I want to do and I felt that maybe nothing will change after all, except that I have a name for it now.  I remembered the frustration as I sat behind the pointlessly slow little car and I forgot my momentary optimism.

The journey was a long one - about 3 hours - because there are precious few doctors here who are willing to diagnose ADHD in adults and I had to be referred by my GP to someone 100 miles away (And I naturally got lost as usual).  I went through every emotion imaginable during that time - relief that I finally know, anger for the wasted years, regret that I didn't stand up for myself more when I was called lazy or contrary, hope for a future of more understanding and acceptance, fear that I would still not be understood...I got home feeling exhausted and confused but had the comforting arms of a husband who is proud of me to come home to and that made it all okay.

My efforts to 'stop just trying harder' have really worked.  The impact on my life has been remarkable.  I'm not really getting any more done, nor am I getting things done in a more productive less chaotic way, but I am accepting myself and my chaos more easily now and that means I have more energy and I'm happier.  I don't need to fret over what I want to do compared to what is actually getting done - it never has made me get it done better or faster or 'more'.  It's just made me feel bad and I don't need it any more.  If I get nothing else out of this diagnosis I have this - It is Not My Fault.

That'll do for now.