It's not difficult for me to get started on a project. I'm definitely a 'starter'. I can do that. I can have the ideas, I can get really enthusiastic about it and I can do whatever research is necessary. Do I have the ability to actually stick to it and do what I'm hoping to do here? Time will tell. I hope so. I've decided to write an ADHD blog as I'm embarking on the journey that I'm hoping will change my life.

First hurdle encountered already - just as I tried to save the above paragraph, I found a file, saved about a month ago, with the same name - an attempt to write a blog, or at least start one, but if I did indeed get as far as typing it, I haven't saved it, so it's empty. Still, this one is at least 2 paragraphs long so I'm ahead of the game now, right?

It was last night's dream that made me decide to document this journey and here it is.

I was using a heat gun on a disk of metal. The disk was small but I couldn't see the whole thing at any one time. It was full of holes and I was fixing them. The holes were all the same size and equal distance apart. I was aware that other people could see that, but I couldn't. I was filling them with a liquid that became a tough, clear solid when it was heated. There were lots of holes and I kept spilling the liquid on parts of the disk that were fine, but I was determined and I kept going. I kept moving the heat gun before the liquid had properly hardened. Although I wasn't getting it done 'properly', slowly but surely the holes began to fill and harden and the disk was being repaired. Before I woke, I was aware that the disk was going to be okay.

Since my GP suggested I may have adult ADHD, a month ago, I've been reading about it as much as I can and I've realised three things - I'm pretty sure she's right. I've been like this since I was in infant school. I am relieved to have finally found a name for my problems.

I know I won't 'get better'. There's no cure. But there are things that can be done to help, and I'm hoping I will be able to access them in time. What is really making the significant difference though is that I, for now at least, have stopped blaming myself, calling myself lazy, agreeing with the people who said if I just tried harder I could do it. I made a decision - just for this week, I am going to be ME. The me who got stifled by the 'try harder' mentality that has never worked for me is making her way back out and it's full of possibility and hope.

No I probably won't be able to do it if I 'just try harder', because the 'just trying harder' that I've been doing for almost 40 years has caused untold stress to my body and mind and I'm exhausted. I don't want to do it any more. I want to try another way. Trying harder never made me able to catch a ball. It never made me able to remember where I parked my car or left my keys or not to sit on my glasses again. It maybe helped me organise my stuff but it never helped me keep it that way for longer than a day.

And so here I am. I am admitting it when I've lost the train of the conversation. I'm getting up and walking around when I feel like I need to, I'm unapologetic about reading and watching a film at the same time. And I'm stopping to look at the shiny. I'm having a GREAT week!