It's been a long time. I've been Angry. Actually, I've been going through the stages of grief that I was warned about when I was diagnosed and didn't really believe would happen to me. I'll come back to all that, if I remember, but for now I want to talk about the last couple of days because if they don't sum up exactly what life with this condition is like, I don't know what will.
It's hard to get motivated about things that aren't very exciting, like shopping and housework. They get done at the last minute usually, but yesterday I seemed to get that ability that other people have out of nowhere. I was Energized. I was Awake. I was Ready To Work.
It didn't start like that. I woke up earlier than normal and thought I'd quickly check my mails. We need to leave the house at half past 8. At 8.10am I realised that I was still 'checking my mails' and I jumped out of bed in a panic -the kind of panic that gets things done but I don't know how to generate by myself. So we made it - all out of the house on time and without too much hassle. I felt better than I have for a long time.
So, I made it back from the school run in time to pick up the dog and take him for a run around with a friend's dogs. Had an enjoyable chat for an hour while the pooches charged around wearing themselves out but we were outside and I was standing up the whole time and the dogs were being pretty full on which kept my adrenaline levels up, I guess. Whatever it was, I felt good when I left and I actually found myself jogging up the hill on the way home - briefly - then I felt like my lungs were going to explode as I limped the rest of the way home!
Got home, dropped off tired puppy and immediately dashed out to get the Christmas food shop in. Met another friend. Had lunch in ASDA and caught up with all our news then got a full trolley load of stuff because I had run out of just about everything big, like toilet roll and cat food and boxes of cereal. It was busy and I started to feel like my brain was spinning in my head, but my dear friend took my shopping list (that my husband had written) from me and began checking things off it for me. She coaxed me on and I got it done. It was a bit scary at the till and my adrenaline levels were high again as I was worrying about the bill and getting everything into the car on time and getting to school on time to pick up the kids...
Got home in time to unpack with hubby and I told him that I'd massively overspent in the ASDA but when he checked the bill he was pleased to find that I'd actually done a very good job and, although I didn't get everything we needed, I DIDN'T get anything we didn't need. So I dashed off to pick up the kids quite happy.
I forgot to mention that I also managed to get a beef stew into the slow cooker and make a veggie stew for my son among all this. I was on fire!
I fed the kids, did some homework with them, made sure they were settled and happy and I got out the steam cleaner. The tiles in the kitchen got some scrubbing. Half way through, I switched off the cleaner, left it draped on the cooker and took the dog out for a walk, but otherwise I was reasonably focused on one activity at a time.
Eventually, I realised that I was actually feeling so worn out that I felt a bit nauseous. I read my son his 3 bedtime stories, the other one snuggled in for a chat and they went to bed happy. I thought I'd sit and check my emails then go to bed too. This was at about 7.30pm. By midnight I realised I was still on the computer, still doing nothing of any value on there and yet I felt unable to stop. My mind was working overtime.
My husband dragged me off to bed. We watched a House episode in bed, then another then he was muttering about being tired but I was completely wired. We started doing the giant crossword together but by 2.30am I was still keeping him awake with crossword question after question. I just couldn't slow down and didn't know how. So he found a way and finally I fell asleep...
After that wonderful, adrenaline filled day I felt like I could do it all again. I had plans to finish the steam cleaning, take the dog to the woods, get the rest of the grocery shop, drop the hire car at the garage and pick up my car (which broke down on Friday) clean the bathroom, make some steak pie filling and arrange a hair cut for my kids.
The day didn't go to plan.
Instead, I asked my husband to come with me on the school run because I felt so worn out I couldn't stand the thought of making conversation in the playground. I sat in the car with the dog while he took the boys in. I got home feeling like lead and I sat down on the sofa with the dog and my laptop and 3 hours disappeared. I decided to phone my friend and as she mentioned it was her birthday today. I had forgotten, of course, but I had bought her a gift the week before, so I managed to get out and visit her with her gift and had a cuppa and chat and felt energised enough to get out and about and do my work. My husband agreed to look after the dog. Off I went - shopping, garage, back to make the pie, school run, kids' hair cut...easy. (No realisation that I had very little time to accomplish all this of course.)
I got down to the garage and parked their car on a side street. At the bottom of the street is a hairdresser. Kids need a hair cut. I'll book them in.
An hour later, I came out with a new hair cut wondering what I was meant to be doing. Kids' hair cuts not booked. I remembered the car and went to the garage. Shopping next, yes? Nope. No time. Dashed back home. Husband was unimpressed by new do and more unimpressed by lack of carrier bags full of fruit and vegetables. I can't even remember what I did next, but then I had to pick up the boys. My job was to bring them home, cook their dinner, take the dog out, put them to bed, clean the bathroom and sort out some stuff for school.
What happened? I invited my friend and her daughter to a play centre with my kids and off we drove to that. On the way I realised I'd need to call my husband to let him know why we weren't home. I am apparently incapable of carrying a mobile without losing it immediately so I knew I'd need to ask to use the phone at the play centre. No memory of this when I got there. An hour later, my friend is half way through telling me something and I realise with horror that my husband doesn't know where we are and will be worried - our car had broken down on the motorway a few days ago and it was very frightening. He didn't need to worry that there was a problem while the kids were with me. I NEEDED to call him. I think, I'll wait for my friend to finish her sentence and I'll go use the phone.
Another hour later I realise with horror that it's 6.30pm, I left the house at 3pm and my husband has no idea where we are. I'd forgotten to tell him AGAIN. I manage to tell my friend the problem this time and she agrees it's time to go. She doesn't have a mobile and there isn't a public phone. Off we go.
I spend the journey worried that my husband is upset and scared at home, maybe even called the police. We got to the door. He merrily waved out of the window at us, dog wagging his tail so fiercely that the Christmas tree nearly took a dive.
When I got in, I asked him if he was okay. I get a blank look. I told him I was sorry for forgetting to tell him we were going out and he laughed. He had worked out what had happened because, apparently, I'd said just before I left to pick up the boys,
"I was thinking I might take the boys to...oh have you noticed that cat flap is hanging off again..." I had half told him, got distracted, began another conversation and hadn't even remembered that I'd half told him.
The 'come down' from my adrenaline filled productive day has been really hard. I'm exhausted today. I feel better for all the lovely conversations I've had with my dear friends - out with the dogs, in the supermarket, over a cuppa and in the play centre. All one to one, I notice, which is exactly what I can manage and no more. And my lovely husband has taken it all in his stride like he always does.
And so, I'm going to try to watch a DVD without minimizing it and surfing the net at the same time tonight as I NEED to get some sleep tonight. Tomorrow I have to do all the things I didn't get done today! So then, back to usual then it would seem!
I should add that my husband had to put away the steam cleaner, which I'd left in the middle of a chaotic pile of dishes that I hadn't noticed while I was steam cleaning the wall behind them.
Happy holidays everyone. Hope you've made it this far. Yet another confused, rambling offering from me!
